The Daily Telegraph: Privatisation will make everything better. Everything should be as it was in 1950, but less Labour. Cricket is the single most important thing to have occurred on God’s earth. God is a man.
The Times: You believe you are very reasonable and completely unbiased but in reality are slightly right-of-centre and become irrationally frightened by anyone whose skin tone passes beyond “almond sunset”. You own at least two houses and are very angry about this.
The Daily Mail: You don’t live in The City. You live within a comfortable hour’s commute of A City. You own one house, which is your Castle, and has white net curtains. No one would EVER accuse you of interfering. And you’re not prejudiced, you just don’t want THOSE people coming around here. Which people? Any people. You believe the BBC to be the most awful thing to have ever been constructed. You watch it religiously in order to have something to complain about.
The Independent: OH GOD FRACKING WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE OH GOD FRACKING WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE OH GOD FRACKING WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE OH GOD FRACKING WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE OH GOD FRACKING WE’RE ALL GOING T
The Sun: The long words in The Daily Mail confuse you. You like tits. And hate paedos. Some paedos have tits. This confuses and angers you. Football.
The Daily Express: You live somewhere with “Close” in the name, are CONSTANTLY TERRIFIED, and have bought a tasteful print of Lady Di as the Virgin Mary. You tried to vote for UKIP but the UKIP candidate in your area was disqualified which is a DISGRACE.
The Daily Mirror: Unlike Mail readers, you are aware that you’re poorer than some other people. It makes you VERY ANGRY. You are in favour of workers’ rights but not socialism, because socialism is hard to spell. You also like tits and football, and fear immigrants, but in an left-wing way.
The Guardian: You have a very strong sense of your own reasonableness and liberality. You love the gays. You love Edinburgh festival. You love the gays at Edinburgh festival. You have yet to admit that your Strong Support For Palestine sits comfortably in a sea of some incredibly anti-semitic utterances. You studied a humanities or arts subject at University. Quinoa.
The Sunday Sport: You would be a Sun reader but you have abandoned the pretence that you care about anything besides tits, football, and swearing.
The Financial Times: You would suck money’s dick if it had a dick and swallow its coin-y spunk with relish. Your ideology is Money. Oddly this places you to the left of the Daily Telegraph reader, although that’s not exactly a small space to occupy.
The Daily Star: You are a Sunday Sport reader who has briefly sobered up but still regards The Sun reader as a dangerous intellectual. You are too cheap to just buy Heat Magazine but wish to live in a sealed bubble of football and Celebrity Big Brother. You may be ambivalent to tits.
—
Or in the words of ‘Yes Minister’
Hacker: Don’t tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; And The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.
Sir Humphrey: Oh and Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?
Bernard: Sun readers don’t care who runs the country, as long as she’s got big tits.
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